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#254 - i hate them
01/15/02 @ 5:31 pm

what am I supposed to do here? I'm at a complete loss. Every time I find a little joy in my life, just a speck, something comes to wipe it all away and tear me down.

And once again, it's in the form of a phone call from my family. When I got home last night, Sweetie told me I should listen to the message from my sister on the answering machine. She wanted to wish me Happy Birthday. He said I should listen to it & call her back. I said, "Why, is someone dead?" He said no. I put it off.

I get home today, and finally listen to the message from her. Standard happy birthday message. Today's message is from my brother. "I don't know if C told you, but Mom's in the hospital..." There goes my mood. There goes my hard-won tiny little triumph over depression.

Hello darkside.

Can I put it off? Should I call? Should I ignore it? I finally gave in and called the house, pissed as all hell that my sister knew & didn't say anything in the message, or try to call me back when I didn't return her call. And you know what she said? Mom's been there since the 9th. She was going to wait for her to get released so Mom could call me myself.

Because she checked herself in so she wouldn't do anything stupid to herself.

I hate my family. Hate, hate, hate my family.

What am I supposed to do? Every time I see them or hear from them or they're mentioned, I either fall apart from anxiety about things that I want to help with that I have absolutely no control over, or hurt them for putting me through this. Pulling my hair out. Heart ache. Crying. Screaming. Sobbing. Nothing helps. Nothing.

Except forgetting. I did alot of that last year. Only to go back for Thanksgiving & see that despite not seeing them for 11 months, it all came rushing back in an instant. And then Christmas was more horrible than I've seen them in years.

What now? What now? Do I say goodbye? Fuck off? I'm tired of all the crazy shit? Of the way you all so conveniently destroy your own lives? What the fuck is wrong with you????!!! Can't you see that I'm gone? I'm out of it? And I'm still dealing with it? Come to *my* side. It may not be perfectly sane, but at least it only kills you to hear about the bad times.

I hate them. I hate them all so much.

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