It has been an insanely difficult week for me. I think maybe I helped create it, taking on even more for myself when I was nearing the end of my rope.

It's just been crazy at work, trying to wrap things up so I could go on vacation. And then I've come home & spent every waking moment working on Christmas presents. It's crazy. I had no idea what I was getting into when I told my family I'd make them all mix CD's for Christmas. From Monday to Thursday I was downloading & transferring files & compiling playlists & burning CD's & making CD labels & dealing with the fucking printer. I had no idea it would take so much! So I said fuck it, and put the rest of it off until today. Every free moment for 4 days, & I still had 2 CD's to burn today! Isn't that crazy?

And this lack of Christmas spirit thing has really gotten me down. I look around, feeling out of sorts, and feel even more so knowing that I should be happy & unsure why I'm not. I had no idea that my sanity was going to be a constant struggle like this. I was so amazingly happy last Christmas, and I've got so much to be thankful for, and if I'm not intensely focused on it, my heart just gets heavier & heavier. It's very odd.

I really am so bitter about not having a Christmas tree. There's just no room for it anymore. Last year we decided to get a real entertainment center & I permanently took over our dining room table as my desk, & now there's just nowhere to put a tree. And 2 years in a row without one is my limit. It's really weighing heavily. No lights, nothing.

Feeling the need for some last minute Christmas cheer, I finally got around to watching "It's a Wonderful Life" this afternoon. It just finished. And I cried like a baby. But happiness cuts too. I look at Clarence's note, that "no man is poor who has friends", and it hurts. Because I don't know who my friends are. I feel there should be someone in my life that I'm constantly with, inseparable, dependant on. I tell myself that my husband fulfills that need, but I miss it. I miss it so much having a best friend. It pisses me off that I thought CK & I were getting on famously & I would finally have a best friend again, but that just didn't work out.

Things with her have been much better though. We had some laughs this week, & although neither of us are going skiing as we'd planned, things are good between us again. We sat next to each other at Christmas dinner last night, & it was just like old times.

Well, maybe that's what it is. I'm just sick of life kicking me in the balls constantly. You're already down, trying to pick yourself up, and WHAM! Here comes some more!!

Sweetie's father ruined my Christmas with one sentence: "I cancelled the cabin." Just a little email, & that was in the subject line, with no content. I freaked out, IM'd Sweetie to get him to find out the scoop, & it was just the stupidest thing.

Because they had wanted the cabin for the day after Christmas to New Years & no one could be there till Friday after Christmas & then some people had to work even then, he just decided to cancel it instead of fussing with trying to work something out. Sweetie tried to convince him that we could work out a schedule, but by then it was too late - the free cabin had been granted to someone else. There goes all my hopes of visiting with my neices, capturing them on video, walking the dogs in the snow, reading books with a fire & watching the snow outside, being in my husbands arms feeling cozy in the snowfall. Yep, I was devestated.

By the time Sweetie got home, I was fine. I hugged him with a smile & said it would be fine, because nothing mattered but him. And at the time, I meant it. After all, the girls are still coming, we're just not all going to a cabin in snow together.

But things just keep wearing on me, and here I am, sad despite all my attempts to savor the season. We had a great Saturday, celebrating his Dad's birthday. We found out that his Mom's father was feeling amazingly generous, and gave each of Sweetie's parent's their own check for $10k. So we're probably going to all do something nice together next weekend.

And after that, we finally went out to Issaquah & braved the line for Krispy Kreme. And can I just say, Holy Shit! It was totally worth it! Those things are little slices of heaven! So plain looking with just glaze, but hot and they just melt in your mouth because they're so light & fluffy! Sweetie told everyone we encountered after that (me a couple of times!) that "I don't even like glazed donuts!" and he loved them.

Then there was yesterday. Maybe part of it was the sleeping. I fucked up my sleep schedule somehow, and Friday almost died trying to stay up for the 10pm showing of Lord of The Rings. By the time I got to bed, I felt like crying because my body ached so much. Saturday I was kinda slow & numb, and I was still that way yesterday. So much so that I didn't want to go to this fucking dinner. But I had planned the company dinner, so I very well couldn't go, right? Besides, it's an amazing meal for free & the ornament exchange is fun, so I went.

And had a great time. And got a Christmas bonus for the first time in... Well, I've been working there for 5 years now, and this is only the 2nd one I've ever gotten.

So here I was today, the house to myself. And that was probably part of it too. I had made everything expressly clear to my husband about my days off, & when he assured me he would have all the time off that I did, I don't know how he could have missed Christmas Eve. So I was disappointed. And I just got more & more... gloomy as the day wore on. I was lonely. I had some free time to myself for the first time in ages, & I was bored & lonely! Can you believe it?

So I feel like a fool. An idiot. A moron. My husband is in the other room wrapping all sorts of presents for me. Despite everything, I have turned into an incredibly materialistic person, and I get so giddy about presents! But still, lurking just over my shoulder is this... gray cloud. A heaviness. A desire to just sit down and... sulk? I don't know. I don't think sulk is the right word, but I just don't know how to better explain it.

So I guess I just have to face it. I have depression. I've had depression. I will always have depression. For me, at least, it's a disease, & I'm going to have to duel it for all my life. I feel like a fucking alcoholic. Constant battle with my subconsciousness to redirect my thinking. It just gets so tiring sometimes.

And right now should not be one of those times. So I'll try and focus on the positive some more. Can't wait to see the girls. And Sweetie promised he would take me to see snow this week.

And Lord of the Rings was fucking brilliant. Idiots in the theatre were not - they didn't seem to be able to fathom that this is one story broken into 3 parts, & of course it doesn't end satisfactorily. Duh! Morons. There was talk of the family catching it together sometime this week, and I would love to see it again! I've already collected 2 of the Burger King toys! hehe!

Anyway, I'm sorry my first post in ages is so depressing. I had other ideas during this week, but never had time to write them, so instead I'm left updating y'all on my life. Sorry. Merry Christmas everyone. May you all see snow & feel the cozy in your hearts.

last - next