Today's word of the day is "mlfph." This is what happens when you leave work early to take a nap. You wake up capable of one word, "mlfph."

I had quite a nice weekend. Sweetie said he was tired Friday night when I called him on the way home to figure out what we were doing. Nonetheless, his mouth found mine when we were hugging hello. I like it when he does that. Decides what he wants and goes for it. "It" was very good, thank you very much. Seriously, whatever kind of sex diety is listening right now, thank you. I owe you one.

Saturday was much fun. Met up with a friend that I haven't been keeping in touch with, but we keep wondering if fate wants to keep us in touch. Some time ago, I think the beginning of the year, I was sitting in Il Fornaio waiting to meet my Sweetie for dinner. He was late for dinner. I was at a little 2-person table, sitting in the chair facing the window. On my right was another such table, with a man in my exact position. I was grumpy, and I'm generally quite shy, so I never looked over at him. After sitting there for over 15 minutes, my husband walks up the window, and I wave. He smiles at me, gets an odd look on his face, and suddenly I hear a gasp and someone saying my name nearby. I turn, and realize that the man I've been sitting next to for so long is my friend and ex-coworker, JS.

We gossiped and talked for 15-20 minutes, completely ignoring Sweetie (OK, I did, but JS was not pissed at him for being drunk and arriving late, so he was very nice to him). Then he had to go. We have not spoken, except for 1 or 2 emails, since. On Halloween, I must have sent out over 20 Halloween eCards, and his was one of them. He immediately wrote me back a long email about how life is going, sounding very happy with things, and insisting that we once and for all get together. This has been our pledge since he quit about... 3 years ago.

But this time he followed up, I followed up, and he CALLED ME at work, and there it was. OFFICIAL PLANS! Wow! So we met up Saturday at, yes, of course, Il Fornaio for some yummie risotto. We talked and gossiped and gabbed for a long, long time. And had *ok* risotto. Sweetie does not like risotto, so I have managed to get him there ONCE, and never again. But I *love* their chicken & mushroom risotto. Alas, it was GONE from the menu. *sigh*

Then JS & I headed over to catch a movie, "Life As A House". Now, I had completely mixed feelings about this. The previews looked pretty bad. But they were likening it to "American Beauty" and saying that Kevin Kline made his crowning performance in this movie. I think Kevin is an AMAZING actor. So although I didn't really want to pay to see this movie, since JS wanted to see it, I agreed. And I was very pleasantly surprised.

Most of the reason why I didn't want to go was because Haydn Christensen plays the teenage rebel without cause. I had *just* seen the newest trailer for "Attack of the Clones" and was *so* unimpressed with this whiney, jerk-off voice and how he could possibly get the beautiful girl with it. And he was pretty whiney in this film. Except, you immediately realize that although you and he don't know what his cause is, you know his depression is serious. I have never seen an example of "huffing". It was a very brutal scene. So was the scene where he decides whether or not to let himself be pimped out. And as JS mentioned, the scene where he collapses in tears before reaching his consolation waiting at the top, you realize this guy is for real. He's got what it takes to make it in Hollywood, and he's not holding back. Hold onto your heartstrings, coz they are a tuggin'.

This was one of those movies where it takes awhile for me to realize how much it affected me. Over the next 12-24 hours, I was getting flashbacks of the movie, and feeling my emotions deepen. It just kept on affecting me. It was very bittersweet. Like blackberry pie. I guess that's tart & sweet.

Anyway, lo & behold, what was on TV last night? "American Beauty". Another film that made a lasting impression on me, so bittersweet (tart & sweet?), that it's images and feelings kept coming to me for days after the first viewing. I couldn't resist seeing it again, so I could make my own comparisons between it and "Life as a House".

First, you really should see it if you haven't. There's really no excuse for you if you haven't. I'm not going to hold anything back here, so hide your eyes, you evil person. In fact, GO RENT IT NOW!!!

American Beauty is fucking brilliant. It's just so *subtle* and charming and moving. I was fortunate enough to come in right before the scene where Lester sets eyes on his goddess for the first time. I had only seen it twice before, and it had been a long time, so it was only after viewing it this third time that I realized this was the best fucking scene in the whole fucking movie.

It is a perfect example of the gorgeous cinematography of this film. The way everything slows down, and Angela is suddenly on stage alone, dancing provacatively just for Lester. And then the camera flips behind her, so you can see Lester all alone in the stands, a spotlight on him, way in the back. But nothing, nothing compares to the awe and childish joy on Kevin Spacey's face as he watches his angel. And as the scene came to an end, I realized I was wearing a matching grin on my face, just from watching the look on his. Incredible.

The thing that I hate about this movie, I still hate. Rickey Fitts finally grew on me this time, so I didn't detest his character. I actually enjoyed it sometimes. Hell, when his dad attacks him each time, I realize what a horrible life he's had, and it always touches me to watch his reactions. And I found him quite charming in the scene after he's made love with Jane. But I still fucking HATE the scene with the plastic bag. Every time the commercials showed him talking about there being so much beauty in life, I wanted to puke. But each time I see the whole monologue, I want to physically injure myself, it's so horrible. It's just... so amazingly contrived. At the end of the film, Lester says very similar things, and I can imagine his smiling face, his joy with life, and I can almost appreciate it. ALMOST.

Which leads me to conclude that it has *nothing* to do with how hard Wes Bentley tried to do that scene. Hell, his tear was pretty convincing. But there was just NO SAVING that horrible, wretched monologue. I can get the plastic bag. I can get beauty in the world. It reminds me alot of "My So Called Life" and an episode where Angela describes Jordan Catalano and the way he closes his eyes, as if there was so much beauty in the world, it was just too painful to look at anymore (and you come to find out his contacts really bother him). A great line, and Claire Danes is perfect with the achey-breaky heart sound in her voice. But the way the American Beauty monologue was written is just over the top for some reason.

Anyway, aside from that, I fucking love American Beauty. It touches so many parts in me. There's teen angst. There's gay bashing. There's family breakdown. Miscommunication. Love. Lust. Anger. Fear. It's an amazing film, and is so beautiful to watch, even without that cool rose-petal effect!

So, that pretty much catches us up to today. Stayed up to watch the Practice last night, so I was tired when I woke up this morning. For my teeth cleaning. God, can't someone just remove all my teeth painlessly, and put in new, non-rotting teeth? PLEASE???

I did this to myself before. Convinced myself to go to the dentist by chanting that teeth cleaning doesn't hurt. Holy Shit, it hurts like a son of a bitch!!! My gums are STILL throbbing a little. When I had lunch, that first bite brought tears to my eyes. Once again, renewing my conviction that there is too much pain in my life, and for some reason I am getting less and less tolerant of it, instead of getting better at it. It seems to be creating a mental association, so that whenever I'm in pain, my mind recalls all the pains of the last year, and I want to cry about how cruel life is to be doing this to me *again*. Because it's been a *very* painful year. Two years now. And I'm just sick of it.

The only way I know of dealing with it is to just forget about it, move on, and block out the memories. But this seems to have created an interesting new phobic-response. Now, whenever I think of the dentist, I get panicky. After going in in 2000 for a cleaning and 3 repair visits, I completely freaked out the day of the 4th and LAST. I went in and told them I couldn't do it. They prescribed valium. I was pretty good for that visit. But last week when I thought my cleaning appointment was up, I started getting panicky. I felt *so* much better when I realized I had a whole week left before it. Not so lucky today. So I tried to keep it out of my mind, tried to trick myself into thinking I was just going into work early, and whoops! Look at that! We're at the dentist! Yah, it sounds ridiculous, but I've gotten good at blocking off some of my emotional places. Ask me about 9/11 sometime. It's eerie how I can peek at the curtain and see the terror and sadness behind, without letting it seep out. Maybe I'm turning into a Vulcan, repressing my emotions to my own detriment? Who knows.

Anyway, after the visit, I got a headache at work, and I'm pretty sure it was because my fucking teeth & gums hurt so much. I took some drugs, and I've been feeling better & better all day. But, like I said, it still hurts a little.

When I went to lunch, I went to this little burger shack, and they gave my order to someone else, putting me in a way-grumpy mood all day. Plus, CK is on vacation all this week, so I am doing receiving because I'm trained at it and no one else is, and another co-worker is doing purchasing. Leaving me to do accounting in the afternoon.

So, feeling grumpy and headachey wasn't enough. I was really feeling quite tired and kinda down and kinda achey by 3pm. Wondering if maybe it was flu coming on, or merely lack of sleep, I tried to get some work done. But this is going to be a very tense work week, with CK out all week, so I just said "fuck it" and packed it up. If I can head off feeling like crap tomorrow with a nap today, it would be worth it.

Except I took an hour nap and *still* feel like crap. Dammit.

Anyway, blah, that's me. Plus, Sweetie & I had a little tiff over messenger. I've been bugging him for a week to clear hard drive space so I can burn a cd, and every time he tells me he's done it, I go over and there's *still* not enough. I was feeling way unmotivated over the past few days, so the last time he told me he'd done it, and *swore* it was enough, I didn't do anything about it. Until today. I was pretty fucking pissed to find out there was nowhere near enough room. So I went to the download file and, sure enough, there was TONS of porn there. I delete a bunch of it. I made my cd. Then I made the mistake of fessing up over messenger instead of in person, thinking that way would be easier. Hah! He was pissed, and I know he has a right to be. I'm sorry I did it, but I was pissed to. He kept saying he'd do it & not do it. I'm tired of not being able to burn cd's when I want to. He promised me when we got the burner that I would be able to use his machine to burn cd's, so I agreed that he could get the one he wanted that wouldn't mount on the network. I have burned TWO cd's in like 6 months! I was feeling quite pissy, and deleted his porn, feeling that god and everyone was on my side, deleting porn from my husband's hard drive.

Far be it from him to try and see my side, just a little. That's all I ask, that he just *try* and see my side for a fraction of a second. Maybe he would have if I would have apologized. It occurs to me now that, instead of just apologizing, despite knowing I had done something bad, his reaction caused me to instantly get pissy and forget to apologize. *sigh* I will have to apologize when he gets home. I don't mind apologizing. I just see this as one of the "stupid" little fights we have over petty shit. I want us to stop having them. Grr.

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