Wow. I got this email from R. yesterday. It was the last thing I was expecting. In fact, because of his silly use of aliases, at first glance at it in my inbox, I thought it was a stupid email forward from a high school chum. I took a minute to compose myself, and emailed him back that I was ok & so were the people important to me. Then I told him I didn't know what else to say, since I didn't know how we could be friends. He emailed me back that he was just glad I was ok, and I emailed him back that his email had brought tears to my eyes, but that I couldn't talk to him anymore. He said ok.

Yesterday was a weird day. His email did bring tears to my eyes. It was very touching to find out that he still thought about me, and he was concerned for me. I was doing ok at first yesterday, but after lunch I got incredibly nauseaus and just couldn't do it. I went home and napped the rest of the day away.

I told Sweetie about R's email over MSIM. I told him I felt guilty for just shutting down all communication. Sweetie pointed out that R. seemed to understand my own points better than me. OK, that's not what Sweetie said, but it's what he should have said. Having R. email me really confused me.

More shit on the tv last night. Began feeling more depressed. Went online to find someplace to talk about things. Realized Yahoo! might have a chatroom for just this, so I logged on. Right there, in my buddy list, there R. is for the first time in months. Yikes. I tried to ignore it, and focus on the conversations going on in the chat room. I switched rooms twice, everything going on was so pathetic. Bomb this, bomb that. Racial slurs, misunderstandings. Ick. I thought to myself, "What I wouldn't give to watch 'Friends' right now." For the first time, I wanted something to cheer me up. So I sent a private message to R., just said "hi", figuring we could talk about mundane shit in his life or in his country or whatever. He didn't answer me. A few minutes later, he logged off, so I did too.

This morning, there was an email from in him my work inbox. Asking where I had disappeared to last night. He had to log out & log back in, and when he did I was gone. I gave the abbreviated "oh, you didn't hurt my feelings" answer. Then told him I was looking for someone to chat with to get my mind off stuff. He said ok, so what do you want to chat about? Tried not to roll my eyes. Boys can be so dense. ANYTHING! The point is to be distracting! Sheesh!

We chatted back and forth for awhile. Sweetie emailed me about stuff, as did his parents & JP. It was nice to get all these lovely distractions. I emailed Sweetie that I was chatting with R. and what did he think about that. He said that he preferred I didn't, but if I really wanted to he guessed it would be ok.

*sigh* Men. He goes into Testosterone Mode over football, but I chat up my old internet "flame" and he goes all wishy-washy. I knew it was a big lie though. With everything else going on, even if it makes me feel better to talk to R., it can only make Sweetie feel horrible.

So I told R. that I needed Sweetie more than I need AIR. Which is so damn true. I told him I couldn't stand hurting him, so I was going to go. I wished him good feelings and a happy life & told him to take care.

He emailed me back "Take care vamp gurl" & "Live long and prosper". That just made me smile more. He could be so damn sweet when he wanted to.

I told Sweetie later that maybe this meant I'd finally have some closure. I hope so. We talked about mundane shit together over email. He told me about work stuff. I asked him what he ate for lunch. He asked me what I ate. We discussed that mayo is bad for you. I asked him if he was my lobster. He said yes. Because I am his lobster. So now it's official: we are each other's lobsters. If you don't get that, you need to watch "Friends" more often. It's a very sweet episode, and when it was first-run, it had the most unexpected, unadvertised ending. : )

So, with help from R. & JP & Sweetie Lobster & his parents & a bouncy chair and some Hooverphonic & Alien Ant Farm, I was feeling human again today. Finally. I stayed for all my scheduled hours. Yay me! I think I'm going to wait to turn on the news until Sweetie gets home, so we can watch it together.

Oh! Sweetie got $1000 today, was told that it looked like they would meet their investor goals, and he should get his next paycheck on the 5th! Yay! Then I reread that and realized that the 5th is like 5000 weeks away. *sigh* Oh well. It is good news, I guess. Plus, he has a line on a contracting gig, and still has feelers out for others, so *maybe* we'll see some more cash before then. Cross your fingers.

Heard a jet as I walked out of the store. Looked up and saw what appeared to be a Continental Airlines passenger jet heading North from SeaTac. We will overcome. God Bless America.