bursting surprise

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#142 - mesmerized by the rain
2001-08-22 @ 5:08 p.m.

I'm going to try to finish up my current Wish submission tonight. Last night I was busy feeling cozy. :)

JP & SL were due to arrive home from their honeymoon late last night, so Sweetie & I used the key they had given us to sneak in and rearrange the junk we had just dumped everywhere the night of the honeymoon. Then we arranged all the lovely food we had gotten them. Some yummie peaches, raspberries, strawberries & blackberries. Then 2 bannanas, 2 kiwis, 2 red plums, & 2 starfruit. 2 is an important number to the newly married, y'know? Then there was the yummie fresh baguette, maple ham slices & smokey cheddar in the fridge with, & a pint of B&J's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream in the freezer.

Still have not bought them their damn wedding present though! I know that I have like a year or something according to Anne Landers & Dear Abbey, but being a bridesmaid, waiting until after the wedding seems to long. *sigh*

Of course, after arranging all the yummie foodstuffs, I was ravenous when I got home. Ate some yummie sammich reading diaries last night, then went into the bedroom to feel cozy. Still raining out, getting dark, I lifted the blinds & pet the cat as I lay on the bed, just looking outside & feeling Fall wash over me.

Fall is my favorite time of year. The air looks, smells & feels different. The only way to describe what it does to me is makes me feel cozy, bundling up in sweaters or lots of blankets. It makes me want to curl up in front of a window with some hot cocoa & a nice book as I watch the rain. Hmph. It would be nice if we moved before Fall officially gets here, since we have no windows to curl up in front of. Just teeny high-up ones that you have to stand right in front of to see anything out of - and then you get a nice visual of the ground and/or backyard grass, and the first few feet of the pine trees surrounding the yard. This was ok for a temporary home, but it's driving me crazy now.

went to lunch with gaypal a bit ago. i loves him. it's been so long since we've done anything together, so we went out during one of his rare appearances in the office. we sat down to order, and immediately began to fall into old patterns: me talking about my marriage, him talking about money. except i feel bad for being so whiney during that whole R. fiasco, so instead i began to ask him about anything so we wouldn't talk about me for once. he said the funniest thing. he said he spent $400 last night that he shouldn't have. on dishes & towels. i asked him in astonishment, "how does someone spend $400 on dishes and towels???" quick as a flash he said, "coz i'm gay", just barely hiding his desire to give a wise-ass smile. yep, i loves my gaypal. i am talking like Ursa. must. not. talk. like. Ursa. oops.

too. late.

also, going out with gaypal (GP), i waved at galpal coworker (GPC). i couldn't help but feel a little triumphant that i was going out to lunch with someone without her. me, her & GP used to be the office 3some. now, it's been ages since i've done anything social with GPC, even lunches from work. in fact, i think the last thing we did together was when i bought her lunch of her choice for her birthday back in... march or april. she wanted to go to a burger joint. she wanted to bring along coworker kc. argh. she *always* does *everything* with kc. i had wanted it to just be the 2 of us, since it had been forever since we'd done anything social. and now it's been ages x 2. grr.

but a few weekends ago, Sweetie & I were going out to breakfast on a Saturday morning, & there was GPC with one of her friends that I've hung with a few times. the 4 of us sat together. but first Sweetie spent almost a 1/2 hour finding a parking space. during that time with just the 3 of us, GPC shared that things were not groovy with her & coworker kc. seems kc never went to lunch with her anymore. i didn't know whether to laugh or cry. was she really that blind? she did not notice me go very still and quiet. the big allure of GPC is she's a talker. she's fun that way. still, it was very odd that she said something like that, oblivious to the fact that i have been feeling hurt & left out by all the time she spends with kc. go figure.

anyway, lunch with GP today was prompted by my spontaneous email to him asking him if he wanted to go do something this weekend, coz I felt like such a heel being so busy lately. I supposed I should send a similar out to GPC. *sigh* why don't people ever clamor over me like a moth to flame? hmmmm? why is friendship so damn *hard*???

oh! i just remembered a dream i had this morning. i was a lady of a castle, and there was a recent marriage of one of the castle's sons, possibly to me, i don't remember much. but i do remember that it was a bright, happy place of family, but that there had somehow been a reading of the future that foretold many deaths, including the newly married son. yes, i do believe he was my husband. we had a view of the lake outside. which reminds me, i think i dreamed about the loch ness monster at some point... anyway, all the men of the castle & village thought something was wrong. our country was at war with the nazis on the other side of the country, but they thought that this weird fog might have been hiding an army coming in to attack us by boat. so all the available men grabbed their swords and went out on barges. i remember at on point wondering where the women go when the men all tromp off with swords. i was told there was a "safehouse". ok. anyway, the men all went out to sea, all their engines on their barges failed, so they all started back to shore. except, of course, the boat with the newly married son. that boat had gone out the farthest, took the longest for it's engines to die, and then was the farthest out from shore. there was no hope to paddle back. and then the fog cleared & the bad guys were right on top of them. it was a bad scene. just like the vision of his death.

strange. i don't think i've ever dreamed about war before, & here are 2 dreams 2 nights in a row about strange ones. hmmm.

rain is another thing, like words, i wish i could wrap around me and eat & sleep & fuck. did you know that it rains alot in Hawaii? Kauai has the only tropical rain forest in the United States. on the island where I grew up, the rain clouds would gather almost every afternoon, and slowly descend down the mountain. it would usually rain lightly or shower for maybe a half hour every afternoon. it was beautiful to watch moving down the mountain. the day my husband & i got off the plane, i looked up and saw those exact same clouds. i cried.

when i was a young, young girl and it rained, i would gleefully, yet silently, go out on the back porch. depending on how many spiders were around, i would get as close to the bottom of the stairs without getting wet as i could. i liked it when my cat sat with me. i would sit there and get mesmerized by the rain until it died down. i would chant in my mind for it to get harder & harder. chills would run up and down my spine, down the length of my arms, until my entire body gave one quick shudder & it all began again. it was pretty damn near sexual. then at night. oh god, at night. we had a tin roof. there is nothing like the sound of rain on a metal roof. it lulls you to sleep. those same chills chasing around your body. i would lay there & chant & chant for it to get louder, harder. yep, it was definitely sexual. i love the rain. i would kill to have my window desk again. alas, it seems to be more important for me to sit with my boring filing cabinets, in a room i have all to myself that has no windows. hopefully, it's still pouring when i go home. i'll sit in my car for at least 5 minutes just watching & listening. i love the rain.

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