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#342 - the great baby debate
07.27.03 @ 2:41 pm

Second entry of the day.

It would appear that I am not pregnant. I didn't really think I was, but I've been having such a weird response to food lately. For the past week or two, when I get hungry, I feel nauseaus, so I don't want to eat. My stomach starts really rumbling and making me miserable, so I think about what I could eat that wouldn't make me feel nauseaus. And the answer is always chocolate. I have eaten uncountable chocolate bars, plus a pint of ice cream (no chocolate though), in the past two weeks because of this.

In fact, I am on my way downstairs in search of chocolate, my hope being that when Husband gets home from a short work-related chore, my nauseau will be gone and I can eat some actually FOOD with him.

Yesterday we went to the first-birthday party of a child of our friends. But first we went to Babies R Us. Near the end of our trip to that store, I told Husband to get me out of there quick. I was fine until after we'd found the right item, and then started wandering the store looking for gift wrap. You will no believe all of the Classic Pooh items there. You could deck out your ENTIRE nursery just in Classic Pooh, then stuff it full of Pooh toys.

Then we went to the party, and had a lovely time. The Little Man of the day can just about walk, but he pretty much refuses to let go of adult support. My husband and I spent a few minutes coaxing him to walk to one of us and then back. When he walk, he has this big grin on his face and sometimes giggles, like it's a game. He's adorable.

Then there was the 11-day-old in attendance. His mother sat next to me on a couch, then promptly picked up her baby to watch him sleep, as he refused to be awakened by anything. I could not look at anything else. I was completely enthralled by this baby. With his punk mohawk of baby hair. I jokingly asked if she'd used gel on him that morning. The cutest part was how she would lean in to kiss him on the mouth/nose area while he slept, and his face would scrunch up at the intrusion, but he absolutely refused to open his eyes and come awake. The worst part is that noone seems to have told this woman to support her child's head. I spent most of the time literally biting my tongue, trying not to scream "His neck will break! His head will fall off!" Of course, never having had a baby, I wondered if maybe there *isn't* an actual need to support a baby's head when they can't yet do it themselves, and I just wasn't privvy to this new knowledge. My mind was in constant struggle between wanting to protect the baby, not wanting to hurt the mother's feelings, and not wanting to look stupid for thinking that babies can break their own necks.

On the car ride home, my mind was reeling, as it often does lately when I see a baby. Or read about a baby. Lately, books with characters that have babies have been seeping into my reading life.

I just don't know what to do with myself. At first, I was just frustrated. Because I kept waiting for Husband to turn to me and say, "OK, now. Now I'm ready. Let's have a baby." And of course he didn't. Which led me to wonder for the millionth time if he's ever going to make that decision. He drove me crazy putting off our getting engaged, so I practically forced him. Years later he told me that he had been thinking for months of the best way to ask me. Part of me felt guilty all over again for forcing the issue. Another part was like, "Months? You were thinking over one little detail for months???" But having pressured him in the past, I do my best not to pressure him about this issue.

Then there are my issues. Am I really ready to have a baby? I've never before wanted a baby as an accessory. Babies R Us left me excited and mortified at the same time. I can't go around having babies just because I want to decorate a room in Pooh or play dress up.

But that little baby was so gorgeous. So fascinating. And all he did was sleep. I want to experience motherly love for myself. Something so strong and permanent, people have tried to write about it for all time, and just keep floundering around at it. Because I get that: it's impossible to adequately describe. And something that wonderful has got to be, well, wonderful.

But what about us? Our life? We just got this house, and I love it. I love our life. I like vacations. I like planning vacations. I like the idea of socking away money to save for a vacation, but then spending it on new furniture and house decorations instead. I like to go away on a moment's notice. It's hard enough for Husband and I to agree on what we want to do, without bringing a third person into the discussion.

Because our niece has really done that. She's wonderful, but vastly annoying. And she takes up so much *time*. Because I just want to be alone, and she doesn't understand that. She wants attention, like our cat. I ignore my cat when I want to. I cannot ignore my niece. Not for long anyway. ; )

And there are the dreams. I keep having dreams that I have a baby and I forget all about it and I remember just as I'm convinced it should have starved to death by now. When I wake up, I think this is about my pets, because it's so easy to ignore them. Especially the hamster. Since we feed them when they run out of food, it's easy for them to go without food for awhile. I think this is what causes the dreams, the few times I've realized the hamster has gone without food for 24+ hours.

But obviously the dreams are also about babies. Because like it or not, babies are on my mind lately. Alot.

I try to push thoughts like those out of my head. Questioning whether or not I will be a good mother is useless. I can only do my best, and try not to do anything too horrifying. Sure, I'll spend alot of time trying not to be my parents. As I'm sure my husband will do as well, to some extent at least. And the whole spanking issue will come up. And TV. And sugar. And dating. And sex. And safe sex. And college. And grandparenting.

See, I really want a child. I want someone to teach things. Things I value. Things I think could help make their life better. Or just the ABC's. And I want someone else in my life, someone I can love, who will love me back. Someone to dress up and influence, but also to let go and watch grow to become a little person, then a bigger person with opinions and values and likes and dislikes of their own.

I really do want a baby. I'm just not sure I'm ready to end this part of my life yet. This selfish part of my life. Where everything is about having fun and enjoying life with my husband. Currently, I am a really big hedonist. Quite seriously. I take my own pleasure very serious. Because I went without for so long, most of my life now is about making myself feel good.

And I'm just now trying to learn to be un-selfish. To be more responsible. The things we talk about in therapy really scare me when it comes to having a child. Just one of which is how horrible I feel when I don't get 10 hours of sleep a night. Or how I tend to shut off and want to be mothered when I'm in pain or sick. First year parenting is all about self-sacrifice and not sleeping. Fuck it if you get sick or injured. The kid still needs to be fed and held and diapered and consoled and loved.

So... I need to grow more. But is anyone ever really READY for a baby? It would be really great if you needed to be licensed to be a parent, but they don't do that. And, remarkably, a lot of families do ok. Alot of them don't, but I'm willing to believe (hope) that most of them do alright.

Here's to them. May I not be one of them soon. Or may I be. I just can't make up my mind.

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