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#308 - wherein i talk about heather, heather, and heather, and, oh yah, heather!
11/11/02 @ 4:24 pm

I had the most amazing weekend. Heather came to visit, and it is quite a feat, but I haven't cried yet that she's gone home. This is so strange, but now I'm talking funny in my head, influenced by her and the latest Anne Rice that I've been reading. You probably won't notice, but in my head, the cadence of my monologue has been influenced in odd ways. I do this easily when I'm around a woman who makes a big impression on me. Since I was a girl and saw Ally Sheedy, I've been doing it. I pick up a Southern twang when I watch the right movie or I'm around the right person. So right now, my mind is all mixed up with long flowing monologues aka: Anne Rice, and Heather's strangely-different-yet-still-the-same voice.

It was such an amazing weekend, you just have to know. For awhile, I shut myself down to her, the idea of her, because she didn't email me for the longest time, and it hurt my feelings, so I told myself I'd survived this long without her, and now that I knew she was still alive and well, maybe that was all I needed.

But a very few weeks ago she emailed me again, and we started talking, and she was as adamant as ever that we meet, and soon, before the Holidays. And so there we were, planning this weekend in Seattle for us to see each other again for the first time in about 12 years, and to meet each other's mate as well.

So on the way to the restaurant, I was a bit nervous, but then I wasn't. Then it hit me, what this meant, and I thought I would cry. Then I didn't. I was very proud of myself for not crying all weekend!

But when I saw her. God. She looked exactly the same. And yet totally different. I told her this a few times. I told her that her eyes and her mouth and her nose and her teeth were still the same, and even her died hair was close to the same white-blonde shade that it was when we first met. But yet she looked so different some how. Same with her voice. It was somehow deeper and quieter, yet she'd always had a quiet voice. It was still kind of nasal-y and honking, but in a much-less-noticable way. And her laugh was still very much the same, except she didn't scream-laugh very much, which sometimes we caused in each other very easily all these years ago.

God, can you hear it? This Anne Rice rambling to my words. Eek. It's kind of eerie.

Anyway, there was this long pause as Heather and I just looked at each other. We moved towards each other, and there was shock on her face, and my face just felt utter-astonishment, because I really couldn't wrap my mind around recognizing her when she looked so much the same/different. Didn't even notice the man she was with or to introduce my husband for the longest while. First there was that astonished mutual taking-in of each other, then the big hug. She didn't break my neck doing it as she had threatened, but it was one of the longest hugs ever. She made strange cooing noises to me like she thought I would cry or maybe she would, and I think I might have made them back to her.

Shortly after this, I came back to my senses because someone told us the elevator was here and we could go up. We were going up to the Space Needle restaurant, Sky City. Husband & I adore that restaurant, so when Heather asked if we could go Thursday, I immediately made reservations without consulting anyone, so Husband got a little upset at me. And they weren't expecting the expense, so when the bill came, they were a little taken a-back, so I apologized profusely to everyone, since I had assumed that because she suggested it, she somehow knew it to be a god-awful expensive restaurant. She said they did kno, that they'd checked out the menu downstairs while waiting for us, so it was ok. They just hadn't thought when they'd ordered all the drinks. Drinks are always quite expensive in expensive restaurants.

Anyway, so we had a lovely dinner, and we spent hours up there, the restaurant revolving 4 times at least while we were up there, taking in the city, taking pictures, eating, drinking, talking. Heather & her man both conceeded it was a once-in-a-lifetime event, so the expense was definitely worth it.

Heather likes to drink. She likes tequila & Long Island Iced Tea. I guess she was always the innocent one, so I assumed she would be like me and not drink or hardly drink.

She was so different. She's been divorced, and her man and her both attested to the fact that she's meaner now. She actually fought with him a few times in front of us over the weekend.

Of course, I totally sided with Heather all the time. Because she's so perfect and sweet, how can you ever go against her? I think her man kind of felt this way to an extent. He seemed quite willing to do whatever she wanted, but sometimes was a bit angry in his retorts before letting her get her way. I hate it, but I grew to like him less & less as the weekend wore on. Maybe because he got drunk at our house Saturday night? I don't like drunk people, especially drunk men. But he was so charming and funny, even moreso when he was drunk, that it makes no sense. But I did. I felt myself feeling uneasy about him as he got drunk, but then he'd be so funny, and I'd instantly forget it, until I saw his glazed eyes again. I hate the way I respond to alcohol, but it's kinda been pounded into me, so what can I do?

Anyway, the weekend was a smashing success. I want to tell it all in order, so I get everything, because it's easier to remember that way, but here I am jumping to Saturday night already! Friday we just had the dinner, and spent many hours at the table just talking. Lots and LOTS of the time we just completely ignored the men, laughing and talking and giggling and reminiscing. We kept stopping and apologizing to them, but Heather's man just said no, go on, I expected this, you guys need this, and he'd talk to my Husband about sports. He was definitely on his best behavior that night, getting to know my Husband and letting me & Heather just talk.

And we talked about everything. I told her about how me & my mom had always been afraid for her, and her need to apologize to everyone, whether she'd done something she thought was wrong, or someone had actually wronged her. Her man said that she was easy to apologize when she felt it necessary, but didn't think she did anything like apologize unnecessarily. She agreed. She went on to say that she was quite mean to her man for the longest time, wanting to deny her feelings for him and his feelings for her. When they met, he was getting divorced and she wasn't ready to face the facts about her rat husband, so she didn't want the confusion of this new man and his attraction to her. They were so sweet, talking about these things together. When I asked her about their tryst in Lake Tahoe that she had been planning 2 months ago or so but I had never heard anything of after, she told me it didn't happen. She told me that instead he moved up to Oregon to be with her and they moved in together! Just like that! She said her friends and family were shocked, but they just laughed. She said that they had only been speaking for about two weeks over the phone, saw each other once in person, then he just moved up and they got an apartment together! So romantic!

But part of me is nervous. I know that they love each other. Very much. And he seems sweet and nice and friendly and very cute. But he's almost 10 years older than her, and he works 2 jobs but has no money, because he's trying to get his chiropractor license which requires lots of expensive testing for him to pass. She paid for everything while they were here, and I felt miserable about it. I don't know why. My Husband pays for all MY things. Why this thing about me? Why begrudge him needing her money, when I need my Husband's? Bah. I hate duality in me when I find it. Grr.

Anyway, Heather was wonderful. The weekend was wonderful. We went to Pike Place on Saturday, and the Aquarium. That night we went to dinner at my favorite restaurant, Sahib. I think that was maybe when I started to not like her man, because he was a little rude to the staff there. I joked that they were going to get me banned from my favorite restaurant! They apologized, because even Heather sent back her drink, after dogging her man for being rude first. I'm the kind of person where my food has to be COVERED in hair for me to send it back or something. I would never send back a weak drink! I would never complain about poor service or ask for an alternate waiting person! I would just tip badly!!!

Anyway, we survived the night, and took more pictures. Can you believe my expensive camera ate a roll of my film? A very important roll of film with Halloween pictures of my daycare students and me dressed like a Kittie with them. Before evil Daycare Director ruined my makeup by making me cry. Then there were all the pictures at the Space Needle that we took with all my pretty makeup on that I would never see. How fucking evil, you evil camera!!!!

So, what else... We talked a bit about my family. We talked about my father a little, and I was so relieved to hear that she didn't really have a lot of memories of him, because part of me was scared to death that she would say that he had done something to her once, and I would never be able to forgive myself if that was the case. I told her that mental illness was running in the family, and how very horrible it was that my brother was schizophrenic or something and just freaky lately.

Her man said that his brother was schizophrenic and HIV+ and living in his car and noone knew where he was. We both agreed it's so weird to get together for family events and see this person you used to play with as a child, and now they're this crazy person that you don't know how to communicate/deal with. In many, many ways I like Heather's man. In other ways, I wonder if he's good for her. I think he's better for her than her husband though, definitely. I know this guy is completely head-over-heals for her. So that's definitely wonderfully good!

Saturday after dinner we brought them to our house, and reminisced about old times. I brought out all my Duran Duran stuff, and we talked so much about D2, looking at all the pictures, even worse than before leaving the men out of everything! Heather's man seemed less patient with it that night, so finally we stopped reminiscing and played Trivial Pursuit. It was so great to hear that we're not boring to them. Heather loves to play board games and rent movies and just stay home nights. If they go out, it's because her man wants a beer somewhere, and that's about it. They both go to be pretty early. We're not horribly boring to them! There hadn't been a big need to shuttle them around all weekend and tucker them out completely for it! Oh well, we'll know for next time!!!

So, the horrible confession I have, and I have to confess it and just move on and forget it, is that I am just... just the smidgen attracted to Heather. God fucking help me. Not out-and-out lust. Maybe more of just a connection, a bond, and that makes her desireable to me. But at some point her man said something about a woman's left breast is marginally larger than the right, and suddenly I was looking at her breasts! She had breasts! when had that happened? And she looked really good in her jeans. FUCK! Grr. Grr is not half the word. I was having naughty thoughts about my oldest, bestest friend! How very, very EVIL of me!!!!

I really think it's just the connection though. For moments I would get very melancholy at the thought that she would leave again at the end of the weekend, and I would quickly put it off. So I was very surprised that I didn't cry after she left yesterday. But it was very hard. Because I am very, VERY aware of my lack of friends lately. For some reason, JP and I just never see each other anymore, leading me to trust her less and less with my husband, and a real panic about them with me sometimes that I HATE. And that lovely girl I met on the internet, whom I do completely adore, she doesn't ever talk to me anymore. I miss having a friend. A good friend. Just a regular friend would be nice, but I long for a CLOSE friend to hug and whisper with. And almost immediately Heather and I fell into this and it was pure bliss.

Saturday morning we met them at their hotel, and I sat next to her on the edge of the bed, and she immediately put her arm around my shoulders and pulled me to her and I put my head on her shoulder and it was such an amazing RELIEF of a feeling. I had thought maybe we would never be friends again, but here we were, picking up like 12 years had been nothing. Because, right then and there, she was my best friend all over again. Even JP and I had never gotten quite this close. Which made it even sadder when I thought about her leaving, but it was just so nice, I refused to think about it.

So I think part of it is just that for so long I had this image in her that came to be some-what erotic and dream-like. And now the reality of her was that this connection between us had never died, and it was so amazingly wonderful. So I don't need to make love with her, right? I tell you, part of me was afraid that we'd get back to our house and find out that her man would try and turn us into a foursome or something. Can you believe how paranoid my thoughts can be sometimes????

And the cause of all this, this erotic thought, was largely centered around my memories of that night before I moved away finally, when we were egging houses and we hung back and Heather held my hand, but as soon as someone looked back at us, she dropped my hand like she'd been burned. In memory, it felt so nice, so perfect and right to hold her hand. And I began to wonder why she'd been so quick to drop my hand.

And can you believe she actually brought this night up? To my relief, she didn't bring up the hand holding, and for once I held my tongue instead of being completely honest. She just talked about how scared she was that night. And I asked her why on earth was she scared? She said it was because they were egging houses and cars & she didn't want to get caught.

She always was the timidest little thing. It was so sweet, up in the Space Needle, when the restaurant rotation motors caught and gave little baby jerks, she got so nervous! It was so amazingly cute and endearing!!! So I just think she was nervous as all hell that long-ago night, and so held my hand, but let go because she didn't want anyone else to know she was afraid. *sigh* All my lesbian fantasies dashed! Oh well. It's better this way, right? To be friends. Why do I need complications? I need a FRIEND right now, not a lesbian companion!!!!

But, you know, when we were driving to Sahib Saturday night, we were talking about traveling, and we brought up Italy and I said how much I wanted to go, and something made me remember, and I instantly blurted out, "Remember we were going to go to England?!"

We giggled. It was kind of a mix of things that had started it: partly a desire to be near anything Duran Duran, but partly because of Lestat and Nickie being poor musicians in Paris in The Vampire Lestat. How Paris became London in my head, I'm not sure, but I'm sure Duran Duran must have figured!

Anyway, I said, why did we never go? And she said because we were 12 and had no money! The men laughed. But I said no, we looked into student exchange programs, remember? But then I agreed, we were both very poor. But then she blurted out, "But I'm sure if you'd stayed something would have happened." I'm sure she meant with England, but do you know how many times that statement has gone through my head? I was going to write a whole story about it, about how if I'd stayed, we would have experimented with out sexuality together.

I went on to agree, and said that we could have begged my grandmother for the money to go, and then we got to reminiscing about my grandmother, whom I don't remember her meeting, but she swears she did. But that statement of hers, so innocent from her mouth and completely about another topic, damn if it didn't stick with me and make me think and think and wonder.

I'll always wonder. I'm so sure that nothing will ever happen between us. But if I had stayed, maybe something would have? Maybe just a small something, a one-time thing something. But maybe a something.

But still, a something I'll never know. Because it didn't happen. And I can never even entertain the thought of trying it out now. Because this is such an amazing, lovely, wonderful new development, finding something so special and cherished and new and old at the same time. I am so in love. But in a non-in-love kind of way. I adore her and miss her already! She really does have another piece of my heart now. Again.

But now I'll go. We're the 4 of us planning to spend President's Day weekend together in Portland, and I already can't wait! I think it would be so amazing if we could afford to see each other every couple of months. Portland is just 4 hours away by car!!!!!

OK, now I'm going. Oh, Husband and I had yummie sex Saturday morning. I don't doubt him in his love with me. But my misgivings about JP, they still trouble me. I need to see her again so I can stop distrusting her!!!!!! Hopefully we're doing something this upcoming weekend.

Did I tell you I got fired from my daycare? Long story. Will have to tell it next time. I've been writing this from work for at least an hour now! Au Revoir! Holy Shit! The new Anne Rice is divine! It's about time she got less crazy and wrote a good book!

The Mayfair Witches meet the Coven of the Articulate, Lestat's family. How fascinating!!! It really is. You should all read it. Although, it's been so long, I could have sworn that Rowan died and I didn't remember Mona having a baby, but that kind of makes sense. Was it Rowan birthed Lasher, and Mona had Lasher's daughter? I think maybe that's what it was, although in my memory it was Rowan who had the daughter as well. I think that's why I'm confused. I had missed Mona. It's weird that she's not quite the bitchy brat anymore, and Rowan is kind of cold and mean, when I always adored Rowan and hated Mona. I need to shut up now. Work to do.

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