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#238 - in the christmas spirit
12/07/01 @ 8:43 pm

I have so much envy for re-evolution and his reports of snow in Flagstaff. I didn't even know it snowed in Arizona! It doesn't even snow *here* every year, and a state comprised mostly of desert is getting dumped on right now? How fair is that???

But I shall not complain, because I am astonishingly happy. It's very strange, because this happiness can't seem to last for any single 24 hour period. And it's been happening mostly at work. Isn't that bizarre. But I know what it is.

It's been so damn dreary here, that I figured I would never make it to my vacation (only 2 weeks left!!) if I didn't do something to my office to accomadate for the lack of windows. So I stole a sprig of cedar, and mounted it above my door. Everyone walking by eyes it suspiciously, wondering if it's mistletoe & there is a kissing requirement before entering my office. hehe. As if! And then I bought some lovely santa ornaments, of santas riding various animals, my favorite a tiger. Rawr! I just can't resist santas with animals! They are hung above the door as well, with one on my noteboard, so I can see it from my computer as I type away at menial tasks. And then there is the music. I have almost 20 cd's of Christmas music, and I've spent the past week ripping most every one into mp3s on my work computer. My plan is non-stop christmas tunes till Christmas day. Any moment now, I expect large, heavy, sharp-edged objects to come hurtling over my wall from my neighbors. But they seem to be gone most of the time, so yay!

So finally, finally I am in the Christmas spirit. It started about a week ago, when over the weekend I went to Yankee Candle to specifically try out the Christmas Cookie candles that Gwenllian mentioned in her diary. They are DIVINE!!! So last weekend I spent most of my time downloading music from Limewire & smelling yummie Christmas Cookies. It was lovely. If only I wasn't afraid of breaking some fire code, I would bring some candles to work...

This past week hasn't been all pleasantness. I've been quite miserable sometimes, like Wednesday. Bosses declared a staff meeting to be held at 8:30 in the morning, announcing it the afternoon before! Never mind that I don't come in until 10am, EVERYONE was expected to be there. And wouldn't you know it, I had the MOST evil time sleeping Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. I got a total of right around 4 hours of sleep that night. That was a wretched day. Then there was yesterday. After eating the same lunch for weeks and weeks, suddenly my stomach revolted yesterday. I thought I was going to die. OK, not die, but I don't remember having THAT much pain before. I occassionally have problems where food gives me near instant cause to run to the bathroom, and my insides feel like they're coming apart, but it's been getting better. Happens less often. But yesterday. God. The FIFTH time I had to run to the bathroom, it was like I was having dry heaves from the wrong end or something. It was truly one of the most painful things I've ever felt. I knew I had to get home, because there was no way I could be useful at work anymore, but I was afraid another fit would take me over while I was in the car. It didn't, thank God.

Anyway, speaking of, lots of God thoughts running through my mind these days. Of course, I'm a very confused person when it comes to religion. I have very strong anti-Christian views, mostly stemming through bitterness. But it seems, no matter how long I go convinced that there is no god, I can still find in myself that little bit of hope that maybe there's something out there after all.

I read one of my favorite groups of books again over the last 2 weeks. I don't normally read this fast, but I've read them before, and they're good and the plot keeps you wanting more & more. It's the "Homecoming" series by Orson Scott Card. The series has very serious religious themes, although not Christian, the religion has MUCH in common with Christianity, especially as it evolves throughout the books to the final one. And remember how these books made me question my beliefs last time I read them, I was looking at every last reference to the "God", the Keeper of Earth. And when I finally finished up, um Sunday or Monday, I lay in bed that night thinking about it. Had I finally found a god I could accept if it's existence was revealed to me?

Because the Christian god, I believe if it exists would truly evil. Babies dying and all that. This god, I could understand better. Orson Scott Card made a very good attempt at explaining the idea of giving god's creations free-will, in the hopes that they will follow your plan willingly. That sounds hunky-dory if there's no after-life, no hell for sinners, which I think is nonsense, y'know? But still, I couldn't do it. I couldn't imagine a scenario where I could even believe in a god that wanted us to make our own decisions, and didn't send us to hell for the wrong ones. Because I think that something with the power to keep murder from happening *should* keep it from happening. I was trying to imagine scenarios where "God" would wink out of existence murderers as soon as they did their crime. But that's still not right, because the murder victim is already dead. So how about the last possible second, when you *know*, no matter how much you plead with this murder in his heart that god does not want him to do this, he's going to anyway and ignore god's pleadings. Even if god could speak directly into the heart of all men. So god wink's him out of existence the moment before the murder is committed. But then, won't everyone wonder where he went if no crime was committed as evidence against him?

So it's a big ol' mess. And I just can't conceive of a scenario where someone/something could create us all with some magical power to shape things at will, and then not do anything to keep murder & rape from happening. I just couldn't forgive that.

So, here I am, recognizing that for some strange reason that I still have hope, but I still can't believe. Oh well. I believe I lead a good life. I try to be kind and good to people, and not to harm them. So if there is a "plan" of god's, I don't think I'm going against it, and I try very hard out of the decency of my heart to be *with* any plan to help humanity. And that's all I can do for now.

Before I go on, I really must mention the best thing about all this Christmas music. A few years ago, I bought a Christmas CD with all sorts of Christmas songs on it, and it was a wonderful mix, so I bought more the following year. In fact, I bought LOTS more CDs. And not one compared to the excellent mix on that first CD! And this CD is what made me realize that I didn't hate all Jazz. In fact, I rather like some of it. There is the most amazing rendition of The Nutcracker Suite by "Lee Brown and the Band of Renown" that is just incredible, and is by far my favorite Christmas song EVER! 2nd to that, and not by much, is "Let it Snow!" by Lena Horne. It's so beautiful and sensual! And have you ever heard "Santa Baby" by Earth Kitt? Meow!! Anyway, my favorite Christmas CDs other than this one (which doesn't have "Santa Baby" on it, dammit, or else I'd never listen to anything but these 3 cd's!) are 2 CDs by The Glenn Miller Orchestra. Every time I put in "In The Christmas Mood" volume 1 or 2, I can imagine myself at some fancy Christmas party in the 40s, all decked out. It makes me feel very happy and romantic and pretty. It's very fun.

So... where was I going with this? I really need to type faster, since I'm experimenting with food again, and I'm scared to death that I'm going to violently reject it in time for my 3pm meeting with my boss. Wouldn't that be lovely? Pardon me, but I need to RUN to the bathroom right now! Ick.

Hmm... I wanted to talk about "Mansfield Park". I'm not sure what I was going to say though! It was on the telly the night before last, when I should have been sleeping early, so I stayed up late like a moron. The thing that was so great about it was that I *loved* it this second time around, when I thought it was so-so in the theatre. I remember I found the main character boring. I guess I went in with hopes of watching some romantic period piece with lots of fabulous costume changes. But the main character was such a plain jane (*was* her name Jane???), that I was greatly disappointed. But I wasn't this time, because I was watching it for the story and the romance. Jonnie Lee Miller was just too subtle for me last time. I appreciated him & the main character SO much more this time.

But strangest of all, was my completely different feeling about this main character. (I really wish I could remember her name!) The first time I saw it was at SIFF, so the director was there to answer questions afterwards. Someone commented that she was such a quiet push-over. This was tied into the fact that the director incorporated stuff into the film that wasn't in the book, about slavery. Including some graphic artistic rendictions of rape. I guess the audience member didn't think Jane was vocal enough about it. And somehow I came away from the experience as agreeing with this sentiment.

Except, this time around, I didn't agree at all! The most frustrating thing about female characters in this time period is that so many of them ARE push overs, while Jane isn't one at ALL! Slavery is first brought up by her when she tries to admonish her uncle against bringing a slave from Antigua to England, by pointing out that at the point the person would be freed by English law. Kind of digging in to the Patriarch who rules with an iron fist that what he does is ILLEGAL. It's quite understanding that when she sees those horrible sketches that she freaks out and runs from the room, because the Patriarch goes quite violently mad. And how is a woman in that time period supposed to combat that kind of behavior? From a man who has already shown his power over her by throwing her out of the house once. And that's the most incredible thing of all about her character. She lets her uncle throw her out, rather than marry a man she doesn't love that he approves of. She knows her station in life is precarious, and she doesn't care.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really loved this movie, and I'm so glad I bothered to watch it a 2nd time, because it was rather remarkable how much my opinion changed between viewings!

But I'm going to wrap this up now. I do plan to write another entry going into some specifics about why I've been gone the last week or so, but wanted to get something out there that you guys could read in the meantime, and that would be easier to write & therefore get it to you quicker. Love to you all!

If I were a work of art, I would be M. C. Escher's Lizards.

I am a bizarre juxtaposition of the real and the unreal. Based in the realm of mathematics, my two-dimensional appearance belies a complex and free-willed behaviour which both delights and confuses people.

Which work of art would you be?

The Art Test

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