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#218 - if things are so great, why do I feel like crying?
11/1/01 @ 12:39 pm

I'm so tired of this body. So tired of getting sick. Even in high school, when I was so much healthier, I was the one who always got sick.

I want to go to the gym, but every afternoon by 4pm, all I can think about is going home & crawling up in bed. Because I'm so amazingly tired. Of everything. Of stress from work. Of coughing because of all the snot in the back of my throat. Of sneezing from the snot trying to run out my nose. Of headaches from coughing up snot.

Tired. Sick. Sick and tired. I hate this body. Hate it with a passion. I used to like it sometimes, but I can't remember the last time I felt that way.

Yesterday, galpal said something about my arm. That it had muscular definition and looked really cool. I instantly noticed that the arms of my shirt seemed a little tight. What the hell? I went to the bathroom and wondered if my arms had always looked like this, or if the gym had finally produced some actual results. Which would be bizarre, because I haven't lost any weight, and I haven't gone to the gym in 2 weeks now.

I vowed on the spot to go back. It's fun, once you finish the bike. I told myself so. This put into my mind the image of the bike. And suddenly I felt too tired to walk.

Am I doing this to myself? Is it just mental? This tiredness? Because of stress? Because I feel defeated by my job? I just want to over indulge myself by eating badly and over sleeping?

It can't be all mental if I get 8+ hours of sleep every night and I wake up with bags under my eyes, and feeling like I want to cry from being torn from my bed. Right?

So why complain about this now? When it's been going on for over a week?

Because this morning I did not wake up OK. It's not going to be a gradual process of becoming run down. I woke up feeling like shit, not knowing why, and only knowing that I have to go to work anyway. Even though all I want to do is curl up in my bed with my cat and sleep.

And it's not even noon.

Do you think if someone bought me a chinchilla, it would make it all better?

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