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strawburygrl feels
strawburygrl feels
Today was a much better day. Probably because work bullshit is wrapping up, and TMIL and I had a lovely 3 hour chat last night. Talking about absolutely nothing. Isn't it wonderful when you can just chill and talk about random shit with your man. *sigh*
If only he were here, y'know? I think about him almost every minute of the day. What would he think of this? Would he like that? Wonder if I should save this for him? Would he like to know how my day is going? Have I emailed him too often today?
I am so at odds with myself. I used to think I was a good person. Hell, I used to think I was the most moral person in the world. You don't need god in your life to be moral, and I was that. But then I started falling in love with men other than my husband (this was before we were married). This is the 3rd time this has happened. Except this time, my feelings are reciprocated. And I don't know what to do about that.
I don't want to talk about this. I talk about it, think about it, live it constantly. It's depressing. My shrink thinks I should stay and resolve issues with my husband, and TMIL isn't coming or going any farther or whatever, so why worry, right?
Except we did talk about something of consequence last night. We talked about him coming to visit. He's not very vocal about his feelings, which is why I'm always surprised at how interested he is in coming to see me. Maybe it's just America. He says he's always wanted to come here, that he hates where he lives.
Anyway, we talked alot about him coming over. I started the conversation by accident, but once it was brought up, he would not stop talking about it. He seems to really want to come. To really see me. And have sex. God, then it would be real, wouldn't it?
I told myself when this started getting serious, that when TMIL comes to visit, if we have sex, that's it, I'm ending my marriage. No way in hell will I sleep with someone else and then pretend like nothing happened. I just think it's disgusting, the idea of a man sleeping with another woman, then coming home and sleeping with me. Makes me nauseaus. So why put my husband through that? No way!
But god, then what? If we have sex that first night he's here, do I go home and announce that I'm leaving, and spend the rest of my beloved's vacation time frantically trying to find a place to live??? Argh. This sounds like stupid piddly semantics, doesn't it? I don't mean to sound shallow, I just over-analyze everything, see every consequence and scenario up ahead, and I don't relish the consequences of finally sleeping with my beloved. What if he doesn't love me afterall? What if he can't move here for like... a year? Or more??? What if he doesn't want to leave his girlfriend? Argh. I don't want to think about it. I will have to consider all this when and if he ever comes over. That's well off for now. He's kind of not mobile at the moment, recovering from surgery. And also unemployed due to the surgery's long time-line for healing. So he's not coming anytime soon.
But god I miss him. I feel like I could go longer without hearing from him if I could just hold him in my arms and give him a kiss goodbye after our talks, y'know? I love him. There's no way around that. I just do. And now I know what he looks like, so there's no reason to doubt anymore. He's a real person. Not made up in my fucked-up mind. If only I knew what his lips felt like. Damn, when the hell is he going to get on ICQ??? Grr.
