<< - >>

#95 - oh what a night.
2001-07-19 @ 10:09 p.m.

oh what a night.

just finished what could have easily become the 2nd most frustrating sexual experience of my life (the first being the 1st time I tried to lose my virginity - we gave up & tried again a few days later with success). after following the proper course to orgasm without any suggestion from me as to how to do that, my husband finally entered me and it hurt. he felt too deep. of all the fucking nerve. i about started to cry. finally, he pulled out and realized i had started my period. oh. dammit, dammit, DAMMIT! he asked if we were done. i told him to get the lube, coz hell was gonna pay if i didn't have a fucking orgasm tonight! he fucked my ass until i came, and a pleasant time was had by all. yay.

can you tell i'm not enthusiastic? as we were laying in the afterglow, i check the clock. 9:37. fuck it, i was supposed to balance my check book and start paying bills tonight. my husband doesn't know this, but i haven't paid my bills in 2 months. i haven't given him the household bills to pay in a month. no one knows, not even my shrinky-dink, that i've been falling down this shit-spiral of depression = don't want to deal with money = put off bills = guilt from not paying bills = more depression. it was very important for me to finally get out of this shit-spiral this week. it's not going to happen.

out of my husband's lips come the words, "i'm worried about money." the last time he said that, he confessed to not telling me about foregoing a paycheck. this was not picnic either. the deal that was supposedly sealed? the accountant on the other end is being a "prick" & dragging his heals, and until they get their shit together there is no money. NO money. my husband is supposed to get paid tomorrow. he does not know if he will. there is no money in the joint checking account that we use to buy groceries. unlike the foregoing paycheck dilemma, there was no silver-lining. no happy ending. no sweet lullaby that it was ok now, coz the deal went through. the deal is being fucked over by an accountant in a foreign land, and i want to personally go over there and feed his cock through his own mouth, till it comes out his ass. because that fucker made me cry. because he made me feel vulnerable & defenseless & powerless. he made me feel like my mother. the worst nightmare i constantly live in fear of. becoming my mother.

no bills paid, don't know if i should even pay them now. and it's trash night. how serendipitous.

oh what a night.

last - next